Life Of A Rebel

The serenity of the moment is not lost on me..."finally at peace", I think to myself. "Is this how the dead feel"? "Is there really nothing more"? "Is it really over"? "Or is there still another punchline"? All these are questions running through my head in this very eerie moment with nothing but my thoughts for company. Wish I could say I felt a little bit of panic or even pain but the truth is I felt nothing and I do still feel like feeling NOTHING . - Rebel D. 🌻

Don't know what this is but here goes... The only silver lining I see right now in my life is my family which consists of my mum, sister and brothers. The rest? I can't make head or tails of anything...what I feel, what I think, what I even know. Walked into 2021 with so much energy and positive vibes but I barely made it out alive, I knew I just had to survive if not for myself or anyone else then for my mum. I could barely breathe, I didn't even exist I was just on autopilot from the first quarter to the very end. Coming into 2022, I'm tired, I'm drained, I can't even muster the energy to get out of bed. Worst part is how much anger I feel inside not at anything or anyone in particular but at everything...every damn thing. I'm realizing its an over accumulated thing, the anger I've had bottled up inside without so much as an outlet just the once in a while outbursts which I try to control so I don't seem crazy. I took care of a whole lot of people ...

November 23, 2018. He screamed then started wailing. "Why didn't you wait for me to go first?", he asked. Obviously no one had an answer for him, least of all me. I was dazed; dumbfounded would be too kind a word to describe it. The feeling of your heart being ripped right out of your chest, the pain and constriction in your chest region feels like the onset of a cardiac arrest which never really comes and it doesn't stop. No matter how much you wish it away, reality sets in when you dial all three of her numbers and it doesn't even ring, at that moment you realise its actually true. It isn't a prank! She's gone and she's not coming back, not in this lifetime; maybe in the next but for now she's gone, she's no more.  Telling ourselves its gonna be okay and then boom, life hits us with another unexpected bang! And I'm sitting here wondering, "WHAT IS THE TRUE MEANING AND PURPOSE OF LIFE? DOES IT REALLY GET BETTER? OR IS THAT JUST ANOTHE...

Hello Rebels, welcome back. I want to use this medium to really appreciate every single one of you, I don't take your love and support for granted. The official launch of the lifestyle brand Life Of A Rebel Inc was a huge success, the support was so massive it left my head spinning. I can't thank and appreciate you all enough, its been a crazy ride but it really was worth every single tears, sweat, sleepless nights, countless anxiety attacks and every ounce of energy that went into this project. I was really so exhausted yesterday I couldn't post an update but better late than never so here it is. An update on the previous post "My Story". After my first suicide attempt, a few days later we had a court hearing and I was to take the stand to testify to what the hell I knew not. Looking back on it now I can't help but laugh hysterically at how everyone the lawyers included kept telling me to be strong, they were trying to encourage me. Telling me what to say; ...

I just wanted it to stop, I wanted it all to STOP! As I picked up the kitchen knife, I stared at the icy steel blade and could see my reflection. In my reflection I could see the tears running freely down my face, I saw the fear in my eyes and in my eyes I saw her. I saw the little girl who all she wanted was the love and approval of her parents, the child who lost her childhood to violence, the girl who all she felt was hate and anger; at everything and everyone. This was the first of several to come, the beginning of wanting the end so badly. My name is Ada and this is my story. Growing up in a very conflicted background and an unconventional family was some may say 'bittersweet'; it was and has been one hell of a ride. I am the first of four kids and my parents were not the 'idle parents', they were actually too far from perfect they couldn't spell it. When a child grows up surrounded by violence he learns to fight, needless to say that I learnt to fight; I foug...

Hello Rebels, Greetings and welcome back to my blog. It's been a minute...a really long hot minute. The past few months since my last post have been ones I'd never forget or get over in a hurry. I've had the best reasons to laugh, smile and cry; all at the same time. A toast though is in order as I have finalized plans to launch my lifestyle brand Life of a Rebel Inc which would  be creating awareness about mental health and issues relating to it, also I'd be relaunching my clothing brand House of MBL Fashion and Beauty Empire; its been a long time coming and it's finally here. The unplanned months of break were in a way much needed but at the same time a heartbreaking loss in transmission cause I missed you guys terribly. How have y'all been? I know we have got a lot of catching up to do. One of the reasons I have been AWOL is that my Dad has been sick for some time now and I I have had to take care of him. He's suffering from Metastasis Carcinoma of the...

Hello Rebels, Welcome! Welcome!! Welcome!!! Thank you all for coming on this journey with me and sticking with me thus far, I'm everly grateful. . . . A lot of people look at me on a daily basis and go, "Girl, I wish to have your level of confidence" or "You're overly confident, that must be a good feeling. Not giving a care what people say or think about you, I wish I could be more like that." But what they don't know is that it wasn't always like that and sometimes it still isn't. Insecurities  have always been one constant in my life. Funny right? The badass queen of not giving a f**k had and still has insecurities? Well, go figure! Cause even the president of the world's largest economy has his own insecurities. President Trump is after all being trolled for being bald headed and going for a hair transplant. Being insecure which is synonymous with vulnerability isn't such a bad thing at all; it's something every living,...

Hello Rebels, Welcome to the second drop in the 'Wednesday Whispers' series. I nearly didn't make this post for personal reasons but I promised y'all consistency, so here it is... Growing up I wasn't the extroverted, loving and outgoing kid everyone assumes I was. I was the exact opposite of all those things, I was a mean spirited child. I kept to myself as much as possible, I never spoke to anyone who didn't speak to me, I was so much of an introvert I never ventured outdoors unnecessarily except on errands. Hence I never had childhood friends whom I played with or was close to, I was deemed unfriendly; funny enough I still am deemed unfriendly by certain people. Sum it all up to say, 'I didn't have friends and really didn't want any'. Coming from a very conflicted childhood and background; conflicted being the word not traumatic, I was a very angry child. I was always angry at everything and everyone and no one seemed bothered enough to...

Hello Rebels, Welcome to the first drop in the 'Wednesday Whispers' series. Let's go back to the very beginning, how it all started... At age 7 I had a dream, it was more of a nightmare and weirdly enough I haven't forgotten this particular dream till date. My maternal grandmother was ill and was being taken to a hospital. On arrival at the hospital, I was the attending doctor, a Doctor! Unfortunately, she died during the course of treatment and I had tried my darnedest to keep her alive. I woke up screaming, sweating and crying profusely; my parents rushed to my room and after narrating the dream, they dismissed it telling me it was just a mere nightmare. I couldn't go back to sleep and I surely couldn't get it out of my head. A couple of days later, my grandmother showed up on our doorsteps without notice and was really sick. Three days later she passed away; I was devastated and this would eventually become my first major loss in life. I still cry when...

Hello Rebels, So sorry I've been AWOL. I needed sometime to myself to get my thoughts and act together. But thankfully, we're back on track! My 22nd birthday was fabulous in its own right; I literally spent the day at the dentists', I got a birthday cake from someone I had known previously for just two weeks and it was a much appreciated gesture as it was the first time someone has ever gotten me a cake for my birthday. I initially planned to get a tattoo for my birthday and spend the day at home sleeping but things turned out the way they did, so... After a lot of thoughts and soul searching, I've decided to start a weekly series on my blog and it's gonna be called...*drum rolls please*... "Wed nesday Whispers". I'd be sharing true life stories with y'all; mine and others whom have motivated me on this journey. I will finally open up and tell my story head on with no regrets or fear of judgement. So if you've got a judgemental bone in your ...

Hello Rebels, Right now as I sit down to write, I'm filled with so much hurt, anger and frustration. Why do I feel this way? I never cared and I still don't. I thought I had everything figured out and under control but turns out I'm far from it. For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling this way. Some days it gets better and other days, it worsens. Am I missing something? Everything seems to be going crazy or is it just me? Is something wrong with me? As these questions run through my head I want to cry but the tears are no where; they aren't forthcoming. I feel so stuck right now! I've always dealt with everything angrily. I've so mastered the art of turning emotions into anger that I have anger seeping out of every pores on my body. But I'm beginning to question my emotional technique; silence they say is golden but I can't help wondering if ANGER and SILENCE are kinsmen. They say mind the things you say when you're angry cause words on...

It's a few hours to my birth month and I can't help but think about how far I've come. Two decades and counting, wow! The first thought that comes to my head when I realize I'd be a year older in two days #April2nd# time is, "Damn girl! You sure are getting old." Yeah, I've gotten older but I've realized that not much has changed, I'm still a child at heart looking for true love and trying to find her place in the world. I may have chosen a path already but I sometimes can't help but wonder if it's the right one, the right path. I can't help second guessing myself and asking the ever present question, "Have I made the right choices and decisions?"  With all these running through my mind, I decided to pen down a letter to myself. 📝 . . . Dear 14year old Self,      You're amazing! Amazing doesn't even begin to describe you but it'd have to do for now. The decision you made about that issue was brav...

You all know I'm always going on and on about how I'm destined for greatness and how I'm going to do great things and change the world and make the world a better place? Well, I got another sign today! I woke up feeling energetic and unapologetically me. I brushed and washed my face as per routine then still in my nightdress, I wander into the hallway looking for sunlight; Vitamin D is very essential. 😉 I'm standing at the windows with my phone in hand and decided to take morning selfies to show the world my dose of flawlessness. Yeah, I'm cheesy like that! 😋 I start thinking to myself again how I'm destined for greatness and how I'm going to do great things and change the world, then suddenly I realized I had a appointment. 😂 Sum it all up to say I was very late for my appointment. But being a fine girl has its perks, I was instantly forgiven for coming late right after I apologized. Don't worry, I don't over ...

It's 5:12am in the morning and I haven't slept a wink all through the night. Why was I up? Well I got caught up watching "Sex and the City" again and talking with two friends, a guy who's a very close and old friend; and a girl who's a new acquaintance but already very dear to my heart as she's a lot like me. So let's call the guy 'Richard' and the girl 'Annabelle'. Richard is someone I can comfortably talk to about practically everything, he understands me even when I didn't want to be understood. He is one of those rare breed of friends you just click with and are very much free with and we had a history together. And Annabelle? She was a lot like me to be ignored. Her life story and pasts resonated with mine that it could have been my story. I was astonished when she first told me her story that I couldn't stop thinking to myself that she was my replica or twin from an alternate universe. Richard was in love with me and s...

Did I hear someone just say Valentine's Day? Wine? Check! Chocolate? Check! Boyfriend? Not sure, nowhere to be found. *laughs hysterically* I'm slopped down comfortably on the couch with remote in one hand and I'm flipping through TV channels looking for something interesting. And Bam! I come across *drum rolls please* "The Bachelor" actually it was "Bachelors in Paradise: Season 2". Wow! How embarrassing is it to express one's feelings less talk of a serious feeling like LOVE in private? Then imagine doing it on National Television for the whole freaking world to see! I actually get dizzy from the mere thought of it! 😱😵 Watching this TV show actually reminded me why I've chosen the single life. Yeah, it's get lonely sometimes but men, have you got your dignity and integrity intact. How the hell am I gonna come on National Television and get my heart broken! I think I'd rather do that shit in the privacy of my...

As usual it started with the hallucinations, another one? This time around it's a white wall spattered with blood. "I WAS HERE" is written right across it in blood and I'm laying on the floor a couple of inches away. There's blood everywhere, it's my blood and I'm lifeless. I shake my head realizing it wasn't real but I can't stop it, I can't help it, I'm helpless. I can't slow down the beat of my heart it's doing double time on a free way, it's racing too fast; I need it to slow down. "Not again" is all I can think to myself, not this year and sure as hell not this girl. A song starts playing in my head -'I was here' by Beyonce - I try not to sing along, I try not to mouth the lyrics but my subconscious mind has a will of its own. It continues playing line by line, word for word. It plays nonstop so I just let it play, there's nothing I can do now but let it finish. I can't move! Moments later it...

It's 30th December, 2017. The last Saturday and the last weekend in the year 2017. Hurray!!! Having put down my goals for 2018, I apparently can't wait to get started on them. I'm excited and at the same time terrified of what the year will bring but of course I take solace in the fact that God's gat me. Psalms 91:2 I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 2017 thank you for the lessons learnt, the hurts, the tears shed, the failures, the trials, tribulations, persecutions. Above all else, thanks for the junk food and of course weight gained in all the right places. A big thank you also, for my friends (both old and new), my annoying family and siblings (can't have it any other way), my successes and accomplishments, my tough and larger than life heart (yeah! All I've got is tough love), my amazing personality (learnt alot about myself this year).  2017, you were the year I started out on my journey as a blogg...

"This is literally my year in review.... 2017 is the only year i continued, the year i made progress, the year i stepped out of my cage of self righteousness and low self esteem, the year i started loving God and leaving a life of adventure.           You see am that girl who always hid behind others, followed the rule others did, never wanted to step out of the line because i didn't want to get trampled on, mama did everything for me, till i left the comforts of my boarding sch only to realise that i wasn't ready for the world, it is not a herd out here is a bloody stampede, you gotta fight to survive or get trampled on.           Oh, how was i not trampled on, my parents and i had the dream i was to be a doctor (doctors make a lot of money), laughing out loud i guess i learnt my lesson.. 2013: i didn't want to write jamb, i was confused on which school to go, parent tells me to write jamb, tell...

It's 3 days to Christmas and I finally stopped procrastinating this post. 2017 *signs* was by far my best and worst year so far. I can't still comprehend how possible it is for something to make me cry and shout happily at the damn same time. I ended 2016 on a terrible note so I wasn't exactly optimistic about the year following it. I was so disoriented that I couldn't do the traditional crossover night; I was at a bad spot physically, spiritually, psychologically, financially and academically. I was ready to throw in the towel and give up but then again I wasn't ready to live in a world without my dreams. *pauses* January 2017, I was in another man's land trying to figure things out. I felt so alone with so many unfamiliar faces around me, the familiar faces just saw the smile on my lips but not the unshed tears in my eyes. I was so good at hiding the pains they thought I was in paradise. How I survived January, I'll never know. February 2017 - I was in a ...

People meet me and at the end of the day, I get compliments on how "amazing" I am. But truth be told, I really don't feel as amazing as they say. Sometimes I feel so down and depressed that I wonder if actually I'm on the right track, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going about it the right way, if I'm doing what's expected of me, if I'm disappointing anyone. But then again I realized I really was amaz ing ! There wasn't anyone else on planet Earth like me! Here are some tips I've come to realize are part of what makes me AMAZ ING! _______________________________ Do not accept the roles that society foists on you.  Recreate yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience.  Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you. Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing.  Never let yourself get lost in the crowd  or get buried in obli...