MY STORY...THE BATTLES HAD ONLY JUST BEGUN.

Hello Rebels, welcome back. I want to use this medium to really appreciate every single one of you, I don't take your love and support for granted. The official launch of the lifestyle brand Life Of A Rebel Inc was a huge success, the support was so massive it left my head spinning. I can't thank and appreciate you all enough, its been a crazy ride but it really was worth every single tears, sweat, sleepless nights, countless anxiety attacks and every ounce of energy that went into this project. I was really so exhausted yesterday I couldn't post an update but better late than never so here it is. An update on the previous post "My Story".

After my first suicide attempt, a few days later we had a court hearing and I was to take the stand to testify to what the hell I knew not. Looking back on it now I can't help but laugh hysterically at how everyone the lawyers included kept telling me to be strong, they were trying to encourage me. Telling me what to say; "say this, say that" I kept hearing. It became so exhausting to even listen anymore, this was one of the many times my ability to block out unwanted sounds came in; you can call it one of my many survival skills (I have mastered a series of skills to remain sane in an otherwise insane world). By the time I actually took the stand, I was too numb to even be angry; I remember answering questions from both lawyers, the sitting judge said a few things all of which I couldn't even remember immediately I walked out of that courtroom. I just went through the process, my body was present and awake but my mind was asleep somewhere in La La Land. After that day's session, members from both parties my parents included had a serious fight outside, it started with an argument of whom the kids should drive home with; needless to say that cheerleaders from both sides were present cheering on their captains and team members. *Take a seat cause I'm about to blow your mind*
We were all going back to the same house! Just in different vehicles though. Crazy right?
well, after the initial papers were served, nobody wanted to leave the house for the other person. They (my parents) were both claiming rights and ownership of the house, "advisers" told them both that they had to fight for their rights. "Don't let him chase you out of the house", "don't give her the satisfaction of leaving, you'd seem weak"; sum it up to say it was a power tussle! A fight for dominance, a display of power, a showdown of who had more and better connections, who knew who and who did you know. Meanwhile, 4 innocent kids whose only offence was being born into the wrong family and to the wrong people were stuck in between all of these! It was just one crazy, funny, unfolding ROM-COM. We eventually got home that day and so many days to come through various means. Sometimes we hitched a ride with father to court and then came home with mother and the other way round, the lawyers or family members drove us home on days when they were both too hotheaded to let the other have their way; it was world war 1 in the remaking cause world war 11 would be taking place later on at home.

It was just like every other dramatic court-day but my father had a new lawyer and after the hearing that day, the new lawyer walked up to me and asked me a series of questions. He asked questions ranging from my age, to the name of my school and current class, to what future career I wanted to pursue; when he asked me, "Do you want to be a lawyer? You would make a bad-ass lawyer you know." I unblocked his voice in my head and actually started to listen. He ended up asking the question that no one else had bothered to ask, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE"? "WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS"? I couldn't answer any of these questions, I ended up mumbling "I don't know" and thanked him for nothing. As we headed home that day, I had a shit ton load of thoughts running through my head all at the same time, everything was rushing to the surface; the unshed tears in my eyes blurred my vision as I found my way to my room and the solace of my bed. I didn't eat that night because my mouth had a somewhat bitter taste, my brain was on fire, my head just kept spinning of it's freewill; I felt lost. The next day wasn't any better but I had realized by now that I was a nobody with no plans of being a somebody, I had no serious future plans for myself; I was just stuck with a fairytale of going through school, getting into medical school (I was in the science class by now cos my parents wanted me to become a doctor), graduate from medical school, start working and probably start my own practice down the line. But all these were really just to fulfil the need to have something I could escape to, knowing that I wouldn't live with my parents forever kept me sane; I would definitely have a life of my own, a bright future if this 'plan' went accordingly. Little did I know I was in for a very rude awakening from my land of fairytales, I didn't see it coming; my plans were not realistically what I truly wanted, it was just something I could escape to, something to look forward to, consoling myself with a stable future and not having to end up like my parents.

As all these thoughts ran through my mind and realizations dawned on me, I knew what to do; I couldn't live out my life without an actual plan, without dreams, without real ambitions and I didn't have any so I wouldn't be living life after all. I was going to end it all before it started and then I would actually be free; I'd be free from all expectations, I'd cease to be a nobody, I'd probably still be a nobody after death but atleast I would be a nobody with PEACE! 
At about noon with both parents out and younger siblings probably busy with something, I walked out of the house and headed for my final destination; as I walked, my feet felt so numb and heavy. When I got there I tried jumping but I couldn't, I stared down at my supposed solution and still couldn't. I remember sitting on the ground out there and staring into space hoping someone would come looking for me but nobody came. I lost track of time and sat there till my ass was numb. By now, my brain was numb as well as my body, I felt nothing, NOTHING! I just attempted suicide again for the second time and failed, I couldn't do it, I didn't want to die, I was scared of the unknown, I was weak. I wanted and tried to jump into a very deep and horrendous gully close to the house. What stopped me that day I'd never know but I made a decision as I got up off the floor and walked home, I would change my life MYSELF! I could do better and I would do better! I made a decision to stop playing the victim and pleading foul, I wouldn't let others decide my life anymore, I wouldn't make my life about the negatives anymore, I would focus more on the little positives I had and hopefully they would multiply with time. I was ready to stop fighting my heart! My parents had made their decisions, I would make mine. I would show them that I wouldn't end up like either of them. I made a conscious decision to stay out of their drama, my life wouldn't revolve around their many issues and drama anymore. 

By now I was already 14 and in SS1 (my first year as a senior), I decided to change my life, and to seek help if possible; I took control of MY LIFE!

To be continued in the next post.