BROKEN OR NOT...DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

Don't know what this is but here goes...

The only silver lining I see right now in my life is my family which consists of my mum, sister and brothers. The rest? I can't make head or tails of anything...what I feel, what I think, what I even know.

Walked into 2021 with so much energy and positive vibes but I barely made it out alive, I knew I just had to survive if not for myself or anyone else then for my mum. I could barely breathe, I didn't even exist I was just on autopilot from the first quarter to the very end.

Coming into 2022, I'm tired, I'm drained, I can't even muster the energy to get out of bed. Worst part is how much anger I feel inside not at anything or anyone in particular but at everything...every damn thing. I'm realizing its an over accumulated thing, the anger I've had bottled up inside without so much as an outlet just the once in a while outbursts which I try to control so I don't seem crazy.

I took care of a whole lot of people in 2021 but no one could offer me a balm for my aches, they didn't even know I was wounded and hurting. I don't want to be strong anymore, I'm way beyond exhausted. I'm so exhausted I unconsciously cry on a whim. I'm just tired! I want someone to carry me for once, to care for me, to be there for me, to just put me first. If only wishes were horses then would beggars ride but then again...fingers crossed.

I just want to fucking breathe even if that is all I can do. I don't want to heal anyone or even try to help them heal. I want to heal me first, I want to find me first, I don't even know who I am anymore. 2019 broke me, 2020 I stayed broken and was yet to unpack and recover when 2021 hit me with its own missile. Please 2022 just let me find ME; let me find my peace, joy and happiness again and in better places. I just want to breathe, drink water and feel good about myself. I don't want to do no more!  

Here's me deciding and making a vow to myself to find an outlet for all these feelings. This (writing) used be part of my outlet but I gave it up for responsibilities and what nots and it always felt like I lost a part of myself but no more!!! 

Here's me promising to put me first this year and to try to think about only myself till I can heal and stop hurting.

Cheers to 2022...let's see how it goes.