My thoughts: His PAIN.

November 23, 2018.

He screamed then started wailing. "Why didn't you wait for me to go first?", he asked. Obviously no one had an answer for him, least of all me. I was dazed; dumbfounded would be too kind a word to describe it. The feeling of your heart being ripped right out of your chest, the pain and constriction in your chest region feels like the onset of a cardiac arrest which never really comes and it doesn't stop. No matter how much you wish it away, reality sets in when you dial all three of her numbers and it doesn't even ring, at that moment you realise its actually true. It isn't a prank! She's gone and she's not coming back, not in this lifetime; maybe in the next but for now she's gone, she's no more. 

Telling ourselves its gonna be okay and then boom, life hits us with another unexpected bang! And I'm sitting here wondering, "WHAT IS THE TRUE MEANING AND PURPOSE OF LIFE? DOES IT REALLY GET BETTER? OR IS THAT JUST ANOTHER ILLUSION?" Waking up this morning, I was scared to open my eyes. I prayed and hoped badly it was all just a dream yesterday but reality sets in when I see her laying beside me. If she was here, then it really did happen. I just lost a 6th loved one to the cold, stingy hands of DEATH in a year! A damn year! 12 bloody months! And did it save the best for last! She was gone! Just like that; no warning, no goodbye, no I LOVE YOU. This is just to let whatever mean spirited force out there that its sense of humour isn't humour at all, it's twisted as hell! If only I could get a chance to say goodbye maybe, just maybe it would be easier to bear. Stay strong they said, "You have to stay strong for everyone and your Dad especially." But I haven't been able to keep the tears at bay, they just keep flowing and haven't stopped. Yes, I cry and that doesn't make me weak. I'm just hurting badly and it makes me wonder if it hurts me this bad, then how must they be feeling? He hasn't cried! She isn't crying anymore. They say they're okay but are they really? I just keep praying with whatever little Faith I've got left that we all make it through this safely. Yesterday definitely made it to the list of my worst days! I'm over 2018 already, 2019 where you at? WTF are you waiting for!

Rest in Paradise Auntie! Daddy said you could've just waited for him to go first. Tell Auntie Ukaa, Grandma and Grandpa that we all miss them especially Daddy; he's lonely but he's not alone. Please remind whomever is in charge there that we're still waiting for a MIRACLE down here, we need it ASAP cause I'm tired and really don't know what else to do. He needs to get better and atleast represent you guys while you're gone. 

We feel it, it's sometimes unbearable.
We feel our hearts being ripped out of our chest and can't do anything about it.
We are helpless. Its very unfortunate that it's come down to this but it's now about SURVIVAL, nothing more. Would we survive? Well, only time can tell.